Cutting edge for pastors and ministry leaders.

COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS

sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/lance-witt-courageous-conversations–part-2

courageous

By: Lance Witt

Courageous conversations is a battle of prepositions.  Half of the battle is making a commitment to talk “to” not talk “about” people.

Here is my track record.  Hundreds of times I have talked myself out of having a courageous conversation.  EVERY time I have finally had the courageous conversation, I walked away wishing I had done it sooner.

Actually, before you ever have a courageous conversation with someone on your team, you have to have a courageous conversation with yourself.  You must stare in the face…

·      what is at stake in the individual’s life

·      what is at stake in the life of the organization

·      how you handle these situations either reinforces or undermines a culture of honesty

·      how the person responds or what the person thinks of you is secondary to doing what is right

And, you must learn to trust your leadership instincts.  In fact, I would go a step further and say “don’t just trust your instincts, obey them.”

A good axiom to remember is “the truth is never the problem.”The reality (truth) of a situation is not the problem.  The problem could be misunderstanding, incompetence, pride, sin, or a thousand other issues.  But in order to address the real problem, we must be willing to get the truth out on the table.

When you tend to be a conflict avoider, you will look for a “work around” to a courageous conversation.  One of the most common “work arounds” I see involves the use of e-mail.  E-mail is a terrible way to deal with a problem.  I have developed a personal rule to NEVER deliver bad news over e-mail.  When it comes to courageous conversations, having it “in person” is a must.  Choose face to face instead of screen to screen.

So, let’s assume you have had a courageous conversation with yourself and now you know that you must have a courageous conversation with another person.  How do you do it?  What do you say?  How do you get into the conversation?

The first step is to pray James 1:5. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God,who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I can almost hear you saying “Yeah, I know you have to say that, but let’s get to the ‘practical’ steps.”But I want to challenge you to not gloss over James 1:5.  It is a direct promise from God.  He is offering his help.  Most often, when it comes to resolving problems, I have relied on my own experience and gifts.  But these moments of conflict present an opportunity for me to declare my need for God and my dependence upon Him.  So, don’t be guilty of walking into a courageous conversation without asking God for wisdom and help.

Also, I have found that when I pray ahead of the meeting, I am reminded of how God sees this person.  They are created in the image of God.  They matter to God.  And they deserve to be treated with care and respect.

The second step is to look for an appropriate time and place.  Obviously, you want to select a place that affords privacy and where you can be uninterrupted.  You will also want to give this meeting plenty of time.  It has been my experience that these meetings almost always run longer than I thought they would.  So, give the meeting plenty of time and don’t schedule a courageous conversation where it bumps up to another meeting that you can’t miss or reschedule.

The third step is to have thought through how you will get into the topic.  I believe the first 60 seconds is the most important minute of any courageous conversation.  The first minute will set both the direction and tone of the meeting.  In my opinion, it is best to come straight at the issue.  Don’t spend a lot of time on small talk or tap dancing around the issue.  Get to the point of the conversation quickly.  People can smell a hidden agenda a mile away.

If you are new to courageous conversations or you find them especially challenging, let me encourage you to write out ahead of time your opening sentence or two.  You want to be clear, compassionate, and concise.  Especially in a hard conversation, your words are pregnant with meaning.  The choice of your words matter.  For a leader (especially in a courageous conversation), there is no insignificant comment.

So, in the first minute I want to let them know that this is not a normal meeting.  This is not to discuss a project or an event or an upcoming worship service.  The purpose of this meeting is to address a problem.

Once I have shared the nature and purpose of our meeting, I then want to share from my perspective how I see this problem.

I will typically use one or two phrases to lead into this.  I don’t want the tone to feel accusatory or condemning but I do want to clearly share my perspective.  So, I have found it helpful to lead with “here are my observations about this issue” or “I have noticed”.  Both of these statements simply communicate my perspective.  It is a nuance difference, but there is an important distinction between sharing my perspective and making statements as though they are absolute fact.  The first approach invites conversation.  The second approach shuts people down and gives people the sense that the verdict is already in.

Obviously, these kinds of conversations are not linear, but it is helpful for me to have a general framework that will help guide the discussion.  I think of this framework as a kind of track for our conversation to run on.

After I have shared my perspective, I will often say “So, here’s my concern”.  In the first part of the discussion I have simply been sharing my observations or what I have experienced with this person.  Now I am beginning to share how this issue might be impacting…

·      their performance and productivity

·      their relationship with team members

·      those we are called to serve

·      them personally

I am now connecting the dots between their actions and behaviors and the negative outcomes that have resulted.

The ultimate goal of every courageous conversation is to model both truth and grace.  We must be honest and address the issue clearly.  But we must also do it in a way that is grace-filled and redemptive.

 —————————————————-

Lance is the founder of Replenish ministries and is often referred to as a Pastor’s Pastor. He is also the author of the book Replenish, which is dedicated to helping leaders live and lead from a healthy soul.  Before launching Replenish, Lance served 20 years as a senior pastor and 6 years as an Executive/Teaching pastor at Saddleback Church. 

Author

Related posts

PASSING THE TORCH

By: Frank Tunstall, D. Min. “If you love me, you will obey what I...

“CRAVING TO UNDERSTAND”

By: Frank Tunstall The prophets:  “yearning to understand Messiah’s suffering and glory” (1 Peter...

THE CROSS IS OUR STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

 ChristianityToday.com/ct/2019/November/cross-is-our-stairway-to-heaven.html Our salvation comes not from someone on our level, but from someone infinitely...

HOW BILLY GRAHAM LEARNED THE ART OF PREACHING

https://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2019/august-web-exclusives/billy-graham-learned-art-of-preaching.html? The late evangelist called himself the “champion rambler.” By: Grant Wacker  When I...

THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE GOES TO COURT

https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2019/august/billy-graham-rule-sheriff-north-carolina-lawsuit.html? A North Carolina sheriff’s deputy sues his former employer for religious discrimination after...

BIVOCATIONAL AND COVOCATIONAL MINISTRY

  www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2019/spring/no-easy-calling.html? Three honest stories about its rewards and challenges. BY: LINDA W. PERKINS...

SEXUAL ABUSE AND THE CLERGY

 www.snapnetwork.org/abuse of faith_feb19 Debbie Vasquez at 14 By:  SNAP  Survivors Network of those Abused...

YOUR PLAN B IS STILL GOD’S PLAN

christianitytoday.com/women/2019/january/church-planting-your-plan-b-is-still-gods-plan.html  By: Sandra Peoples In 2015, my husband and I moved from rural Pennsylvania...

THE MAGNIFICAT

By Frank Tunstall The Holy Spirit overshadowed the Virgin Mary in the miraculous and...

A CAROL FOR THE DESPAIRING

www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/december/longfellow-carol-for-despairing-i-heard-bells.html Penned during the Civil War, Longfellow’s ‘I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day’...

?? A DIGITAL CHURCH IN THE DIGITAL AGE ??

 https://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2018/fall-state-of-church-ministry/embodied-church-in-digital-age.html Should we cheer or moan when online churches perform virtual baptisms? By: Kara...

CHINA CRACKS DOWN – AGAIN

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/november/what-to-do-about-persecution-in-china.html?share=56xKkXi%2fdTPQjQCm3LBm6NPogOGXW4vm   The government is removing crosses from their steeples and replacing them...

WHERE HAVE ALL THE CHURCH PLANTERS GONE?

christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2018/august/where-have-all-church-planters-gone.                  What’s the greatest hindrance to effective church planting? BY: Jeff Christopherson You...

SINGLES: A VITAL PART OF OUR CHURCHES

www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2018/july/singles-vital-part-of-our-churches Singles make up half of our churches, so we best learn to treat...

3 COMMON REASONS FOR MINISTRY BURNOUT

www.startchurch.com/blog/view/name/how-to-prevent-ministry-burnout? By: Raul Rivera Burnout reason #1: Critical Church Members Oftentimes, one of the...

THESE BOMBS LED ME TO CHRIST

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/may/napalm-girl-kim-phuc-phan-thi-fire-road.html The “Napalm Girl” from a famous Vietnam War photo tells her story of...

JESUS’ GLORIFIED BODY

 By Frank G. Tunstall  Cleopas and his unnamed friend had Jesus’ undivided attention on...

“JESUS WEPT!”

 By Frank G. Tunstall When Mary walked up to Jesus on the outskirts of...

5 TOP PRIORITIES FOR INCREASING YOUR CHURCH

 sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/charles-arn-5-top-priorities-for-increasing-your-church This article is a classic on church growth. It was first released in 2010...

OFFENDED BY JESUS?

By: Frank G. Tunstall  Luke records a story about Jesus paying a visit to...

EVANGELIST BILLY GRAHAM HAS DIED

www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/billy-graham/mom-mass-media-and-me.html ‘America’s pastor’ shaped modern evangelicalism. By: Marshall Shelley Billy Graham was perhaps the...

ICEBERG COLD REJECTION

  By: Frank G. Tunstall  Jesus the Prophet deserved the highest adoration, but the...

BLAME US FOR GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2018/01/23/blame-us-for-government-shutdown-n2438025     By: Cal Thomas If we don’t like what is happening in...

THE SURPRISING REASON YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE

https://hutchcraft.com/a-word-with-you/your-mission/the-surprising-reason-you-are-where-you-are-8093 By: Ron Hutchcraft Some years ago, we took a delegation of teenagers to...

WHAT YOUR PASTOR REALLY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

ChristianityToday.com/pastors/2017/november-web-exclusives/what-your-pastor-really-wants-for-christmas.html?utm_source BY:The editors of CTPastors.com This Christmas, forego the wooden praying hands, the cross-stitched...

CAN THERE BE ONE RIGHT RELIGION?

http://seanmcdowell.org/blog/can-there-be-one-right-religion; Posted November 14, 2017   By: Sean McDowell Recently I was in a...

THE ONE GROUP YOU MIGHT FORGET THIS CHRISTMAS

http://blog.thrivingpastor.com/the-one-group-you-might-forget-this-christmas-2/?refcd=574803&utm_campaign=Thriving+Pastor By John McGee  Nov. 27, 2017 The holiday season is upon us. As...

HEALING HEALERS

By Phil Larson, as told to Frank Tunstall The world’s largest casino is located...

FAITH IS NOT BLIND!

BY: FRANK TUNSTALL Some critics’ claim Christians believe on blind faith, defined as belief...

HOW WE GOT OUR BIBLE: CHRISTIAN HISTORY TIMELINE

 http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/issues/issue-43/how-we-got-our-bible-christian-history-timeline.html Have you ever wondered how the Bible has developed through the centuries, so...

IRS TAXES PASTOR FOR SALARY HE NEVER RECEIVED

www.utm_source=internal&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=blog&utm_content=irs_taxes_pastor_for_salary_he_never_received_2017_10_05 By: Raul Rivera This time of year we get an abundance of phone...

WHAT THE CARPENTER SEES IN YOU

https://hutchcraft.com/a-word-with-you/your-most-important-relationship/what-the-carpenter-sees-in-you-7979  By Ron Hutchcraft  Hutchcraft.Com Many years ago we were shopping for a place...

A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING UNDERWAY AT WHITE HOUSE

http://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/politics/2017/july/bible-studies-at-the-white-house-whos-at-the-heart-of-this-spiritual-awakening “It’s the best Bible study that I’ve ever taught in my life. They...

WHEN A PRIVATE APOLOGY IS NOT ENOUGH

sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/joe-mckeever-when-a-private-apology-is-not-enough   This article is certainly thought provoking. I think he is saying something...

REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU’RE TIRED OF PEOPLE

thrivingpastor.com/remember-this-when-youre-tired-of-people-2/?refcd=518301&utm_campaign=Remember+This+When+You’re+Tired+of+People   By: John McGee  July 10, 2017 / Focus on the Family Have...

HOW TO LAST IN MINISTRY

Pastor Rick’s Ministry Toolbox <info=pastors.com@mail143.wdc02.mcdlv.net By: Rick Warren Ministry is a marathon: it’s not...

THE SUCCESS AFFAIR

christianitytoday.com/pastors/2017/june-web-exclusives/success-affair.html?utm_source=leadership-tml&utm_medium=Newsletter Why do so many adulterous relationships begin when ministry is going well? By:...

THE MANY BENEFITS OF GRATITUDE

http://blog.thrivingpastor.com/the-many-benefits-of-gratitude/?refcd=504701&utm_campaign=The+Many+Benefits+of+Gratitude This well written article is excellent for focusing us on the grace of...

THE SOBBING SAVIOR

By: Frank G. Tunstall I thought about it hundreds of times over the years,...

HOSANNA

By: Frank G. Tunstall “The next day the great crowd that had come for...

“PRAY FIRST!”

Dr. Ron White serves as president of Emmanuel College. He assumed that role October...

ONE QUESTION YOU MUST NEVER ASK IN MINISTRY

classic.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/joe-mckeever-one-question-you-must-never-ask-in-ministry-2697.asp? “Sow your seed in the morning, and do not be idle in the...

I WENT TO HELL IN A DREAM

  charismamag.com/spirit/supernatural/28155-revivalist-i-went-to-hell-in-a-dream During this night of terror more than 25 years ago, I fell...

FRANKLIN GRAHAM SPEAKS OUT ABOUT ELECTION

theblaze.com/stories/2016/10/16/franklin-graham-sounds-off-about-the-evangelical-response-to-trumps-latest-scandals By: Franklin Graham   October 16, 2016 A lot of people are slamming evangelicals...

WILL MORE INVITATIONS RESULT IN MORE SALVATIONS?

http://www.sermoncentral.com/pastors-preaching-articles/hal-seed-will-more-invitations-result-in-more-salvations-2592.asp? By Hal Seed // PastorMentor.com For a long time I’ve wondered if there...

More Money? More. . .

By Kent Woodyard “If your church isn’t strapped for cash, your vision isn’t big...

WHEN TO DISOBEY?

 By: David Koyzis  What happens when the demands of government contradict our faith in...

The Day I Hit the Wall

By: Gordon McDonald Marathon runners speak of “hitting the wall,” a moment in a...

HONORING MARRIAGE

Posted by Focus on the Family, December 7, 2015 by Kevin Conklin I once...

Life Is Eternal; Don’t Have an Affair!

http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2015/august/life-is-eternal-dont-have-affair.html By Ed Stetzer  Aug. 25, 2015. This week, we’ve found it’s not as...

MODERN-DAY MARTYRS

BY Richard Greene With cancer eating away at her, the Iraqi woman faced a...

Divorced Dads

A Helpful Perspective on Your Ex The Championship Fathering blog by Carey Casey One...

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.




Top